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27th April 2009
I was thinking about relationships...
In general, we have been brought up to think that we should try to make the other person happy. It is not true thought, that we actually want to. What we really want to do is make ourselves happy, and we have imposed a condition upon ourselves that we will be happy if the other person approves/loves/is nice to us. Therefore when we try and make the other person happy we are actually trying to make ourselves. This is a very important point to remember. WE ARE ONLY TRYING TO MAKE OURSELVES HAPPY. We don't really care if the person in front of us is happy. We care about the other persons happiness to the extent that we have placed a condition upon ourselves that when the other persons is happy THEN we will be happy. The main point is still OUR OWN happiness. :
However, our presence goes down very deep, we really believe that we care about the other person and his/her happiness. Therefore, we expect the other person to care about our happiness as well! we want the other person to care so much about us (our happiness) that he/she will change in order to fulfill our desires and make us happy.
Now because humans are all brought up with this conditioning (that we need to make the other persons approval/love/respect etc in order to be happy) so people try and pretend for each other that this is true. Everybody pretends that the other persons happiness really does matter to them. It is pretty clear by now that the only reason that we want the other person to be happy is that we feel that if we make him/her happy then he/she will approve/love/respect me. So everybody adjusts to a certain extent to meet the other persons desires, and so we feel that yes i can be happy by using this method to get my happiness. Meaning, yes the other person is changing to meet my desires, so all i have to do is continue to do whatever i do in order to motivate him to change in accordance with my desires, so i will continue to be happy! So both parties keep trying to maintain the illusion that 'i can only be happy if the other person approves/loves/respects me' by keeping on changing in order to make the other person happy so that he/she himself/herself will be happy!!!
Its all fake.
You do not need to impose artificial conditions upon yourself in order to be happy. Just see the root of this delusion in yourself that 'i need other people to approve/love/respect/need me in order to be happy'. It is caused by a very deep seated feeling of low self-worth. Because you think that you inherently are worthless that is why you need other people to approve/love/respect/need you, so that you can convince yourself that you do have worth.
Once you see this, you can drop this idiocy so seeking worth!! It does not matter What you are!!! You do not have to meet any standards. because you see, you inherently are an individual. you are what you are. So any attempt to meet any standards before you can allow yourself to like yourself is folly. If you were the only person on this earth, would you tell yourself i have to do this before i am happy with myself? It is only because society has brainwashed you to think that it must approve of you before you can be happy that you think so. STOP IT.
Now the next point. It is probable going to be impossible to immediately drop this piece of conditioning, but it is not impossible to stop acting it out. so make sure that you act knowing that you are free that you do NOT need anybody's approval/love/respect/need, and so do not require anybody to do things in order for you to be happy. Then you will suffer a lot, because your mind, which has internalized this piece of conditioning, will really make you feel bad, because you will not be making other people do stuff which you still think will make you happy, so your mind will tell you that you are unhappy.
Do NOT FIGHT IT. If you fight it, that means you still believe it, are are arguing with it to convince yourself of this. DO NOT FIGHT IT. Instead let the suffering be, DO NOT FORCE YOURSELF TO BE OK, and then automatically, that part of you which believes in this conditioning will come to its senses and realize that I AM MAKING MYSELF UNHAPPY, and so will stop imposing conditions on yourself and other people before allowing yourself to be happy.
If you fight it, then that part of you which believes in this conditioning will never realize that it is causing itself this pain. It is sort of like using your right hand to stop your left hand from touching the fire. Once the left hand (the part that believes this conditioning) touches the fire and gets hurt (imposing conditions before being happy and thus always ending up unhappy) , it will stop trying to do it. If your right hand (the other part of you which now believes THIS conditioning namely that you can be unconditionally happy) tries to stop it it will just be too conditionings or two thought systems fighting for you to believe in.
You see, it will not help you to believe that you can be unconditionally happy if you are not in fact unconditionally happy.
The first piece of conditioning is very deep seated, you may not be able to drop it instantly. Therefore i repeat, do not fight it. Let yourself suffer consciously, and then automatically you will wake up and stop making yourself suffer.
6th March 2009
The new Religions of the World
Racist vs. ally. these are the new battle lines, drawn in exactly the same terms as hindu vs. muslim, christian vs. jew. :
The Racist will hate the ally, the ally will break friendships with the racist. Because a person IS the idea he/she believes in. right? because at the end of the day we are all just vehicles for ideas, battlefields for belief systems, not human beings living.
In my hurry to teach people to see beneath skin color, i have forgotten how to see beneath words.
Is a person really JUST the words he/she says or believes in? IS HE?
If i hate a person for his belief system, how am i different from a rabid zealot killing someone for believing in Christ, or Mohammad or Krishna or for that matter Rajnikant ;).
Its my idea that everyone should be tolerant/ unprejudiced, and in order to support this idea i have created a hundred rationalisations about how this is progressive and so forth. But whether these are true or not, the fact of the matter is that at the end of the day the reason i feel that everybody should beleive and practice this idea is that I WANT THEM TO. i want them to belive the same things i do. and this is in no way different from a priest or a shiv sanik desperate to convert the 'heathens'.
The whole root behind the idea of Not being a racist is to learn to stop identifying people with their skin/race/belief system. THis, logically leads one to the conclusion that one should not identify oneself with these patterns either. I am more then a hindu/male/indian/athest/non-racist. If so, then there is no sense in falling into the same trap of identification with the allegedly 'higher' idea that there should be no identification of persons based on these patterns of thought or belief.
No idea is higher then the other, they are all ideas. If at all something is higher or better, then it may be the practice of the idea of non-identification. Not the idea of non-identification but the PRACTICE of it.
So when i get upset or angry when someone refuses to accept my interpretation of his/her behaiviour as racist/non-racist, i am again identifying myself with some idea, and therefore identifying the Other with the idea/lable of racism/ally.
There is no sense in this.
An argument can only take place if one had a particular view-point to support or convince other people of. In other words only if you identify with a particular belief system will you fight for it or get emotionally affected if someone goes against it. Is it not time to move beyond this stage? TO put into practice what we preach? to stop associating people with their ideas and thus to STOP hating THEM for their IDEAS? how is that different from what we condem them for doing?
11th August 2008
International Blog Against Racism Week.
Do you think 'racism' is a relevant issue for Indians? If so, how? :
Yes, racism is a very relevant issue for Indians. It is very relevant because there is blatant racism going on right now in this beloved country of mine, and there is almost zero awareness about the fact that this is a problem! People from my country do not think it is wrong to mock a person with mongoloid features. That such persons hail from states which are very much part of india, which India fought China over does not seem to come to their awareness, nor does it make much of a difference if it does. But the larger problem, the much graver problem is that there is no conception, there is not the slightest awareness that what they are doing could be considered wrong, and IS considered wrong by a large number of people.
While it is hardly for me to speak confidently as to conditions in America, it appears to me that even if racism is rampant there, there is at least a public awareness that this is Wrong. That racism is Wrong. A solution may not have appeared, but at least two very concrete steps have been taken towards it. 1. People know that there is a problem. And 2. There is a very large segment of the public which thinks racism is Wrong.
In India, except for people from the North-eastern states, nobody seems to know there is a problem. And they have it rubbed in their faces, whenever they travel outside the states.
How do you think our definitions of 'race' and 'racism' differ from
the Western ones?
Well, for starters I don’t think they do differ much. We also think that white is right, and black is wrong. Brown is servile.
What bigotries are specific to our cultures, and which would you
equate with racism? Caste? Ethnicity? Religion? Nationality?
All of the above. To both the questions. In the final analysis, there does not seem to me to be much of a difference in associating a person with his skin color, his ideology, or even with his country, then associating him with his race. All such associations arise from a mistaken belief as to what a person is, and this mistaken belief arises from a mistaken belief as to what one is. If I think that I am the thoughts I think, or the beliefs I have, then I will associate other people with such thinks as well. This is of course, a mistaken association… right?
30th July 2008
Dont Do it :
please dont do it
its not pretty to watch
It had a spirit
and i watched it
It leapt at him
that man with the club;
again it rose;
there was not strength to stand
With no waste
the club took;
long drawn breath;
with no growl
it licked the hand with the...
it licked the hand with the club away
it licked it
Dont do it
plese dont do it
your emotions are your masters
dont deny them
lest you loose your spirit
Child of light
Child of light
Filled with darkness
shadow i am
Indra i am; Zeus
lightning itself emanating
Forsaken am i
The night am i;
the lamp am i
horrible my pain;
Sleep am i
of dreamless slumber
in dreamless places
The world cannot hold me
I pierce it
and am gone
Touched by Gold
filled with light
the morning light
of seeing this
in liquid light
drinking of its nector
swimming in time
it may stay
for only one may
let me live
the darkness not giving way
but my eyes now;
can see in the dark
19th July 2008
Why should i help them :
why do i spend my blood
give ofmy heart
only to find
they walk on
Their steps are faltering
and they must look
to find their center
after my all is spent
in presenting a shoulder to lean in
when my hand trembles,
or i look for a friendly eye
I never find
Why should I live
with my heart open
need with never
a hand to return
Why should i love
is the only way to live
Ware the hand of God, :
you will find it in the darkest places
in the dungeons of your soul
in your eyes when they turn away
from a lighted flower
Ware the hand of God
that blocks the light
and casts you into the Devil's snare
Ware the hand of God
for it stops only for one thing
Ware the hand of God
it stops only in front of an equal
Ware the hand of God
it stops only for courage
Tell me :
from a seed
And i will say
that that which did not
was never suppose to
and i will tell you
that of all that beautiful
forests in the world
not one was well tended
or watered by a well meaning farmer
Cry, if you wish
over the stillborn
but don't toss and turn in your sleep
If growing old
If growing old :
If i was told
that i did not have
to change one whit
i could be what i want
How would it be
to live in an adult world
as if without responsibilities
with every burden
a bar to hold on to
and jump higher
to be immune
from the consequences of failure
because life forever went on
12th July 2008
dont cry, friend
Don't cry, friend :
its no use
O don't cry friend,
its no use
just let the strings pull you
let them pull you
my puppet friend
go where they take you
not that you have a choice
Friend o friend
the strings that you are tied to
they cant be broken
And we dance to them
and collide with each other
and shed painted tears
and our cheeks with rose
painted on, stretch into
mockeries of smiles
and o don't cry, friend
its no use
which we dance to
don't have ears
Don't cry friend
its no use
if someone crashed into you
its not his fault
he dances too;
there are endless hands
above the stage roof
Don't cry love
its the only way to live
22nd March 2005
off to delhi!@!
am off to ahmdabad!!! the title was just to fool you!!! :
am going to spend 10 days with my aunt and then off to delhi!! then off to mussouri!!!! then bach to delhi!!!
p.s the !! is caused by exams!!!
p.p.s the poems are still up... you cant see them because the are friends protected...
12th February 2005
ok people the broken hand is back
just to let you know that there is a friens protected entry up. for those of u who have been emailef a poem..., forget about it. :
the accident entry has not been put up as it has not been written. as and when peopke... as and when.
be well (am also talking to myself)
6th January 2005
oh for hevans(good place u go to after death) sake
Other people have not been able to understand my before (earlier) post. This shocked(startled,puzzled) me, as before whatever i posted was liked and understood (cognisised)by Others when i could not understand (percieve) it. therfore i have drawn up a flow chart. :
1. go to www.livejournal.com
2. signu, or regiser.
3. email me ur user name
4. sign in
6. read my posts
be well (ok)
22nd December 2004
The change of the Scheme of Things
Wow, grandiosness Rules. :
Mesa changing all entries as well as future entires to friends only, for the purposes of coluding with my wishes not to let people in pune and Elsewhere know what i say. Or do, for that would bring laughter, with pointed fingers.
For that Purpose, A test is devised, and only those who pass wilt be given key to innane babble interspeced with (man! i can fool myself) moments of the Divine.
The test is that Whom so ever Makes a livejournal ID, and emails it to me, must do so , and this is the test, with an appropriate subject. One who does this shall be Added to the limited (not by my choice believe me ;( ) No of Persons who can proudly say they are the Friends of a person who can spell as i Do.
Not many can, so If there is will, then no one shall die inter state.. wait Wrong Sentence, if Thou Will, then let there be Livejournal IDs'.
Be well, Now and Forever More
p.s. the privitisation of all entries will not take place with the great slowness the indian govt is carrieng out its stuff with... Maybe.
7th December 2004
have got spell checked (i can hear that sigh of relief!!!) compilation of my poetry.. those who want can apply. :
22nd November 2004
mail send to third year studant, femail (dirty mind)
Dear senior (to early to take liberties?), :
i love talking, ergo, when someone who seems to not only understand,
but solicitate, and match my ideas comes along, i try not to miss the
hence the mail.
The thesis which was under discussion was that;
Love, and all other emotions akin, are created and thus felt because
of the production of certain hormones in the body. Therefore, they are
not 'real' and love is a sham, as a person can be made to fall in
love, regardless of his wishes, by the ingestion, or ingection of a
certain artifically prepared compound. This in turn (if you take it to
its logical conclusion) means that life itself is unreal, as we only
feel alive because of the chemical, and physical composition of
certain complex groups of carbon atoms, mixed liberally with water.
the refutation of this preposition can be done in many ways. the first
It must, however begin with the most basic of all metaphysical
inquiry. who are we.
To start with, and for the purposes of this discussion it is enough to
prove that we are not our body.
Now since you were three or four years old you have used the word 'i'
to denote yourself. that feeling of ego, of identity has remained
constant throught your conscious life. therefore, it logically follows
that 'you' have remained constant all your life, and by this i mean
that whatever thing actually makes you up has remained the same,
regardless of the changes elsewhere. thus 'you' are not the body, as
that has changed somewhat (lol) as have your thought and emo... wait,
for this purpose it is enough to prove you are not your body.
another way in which it can be proved (that you are not your body) is
what happens if your foot is cut off... have YOU changed? no, the
feeling of Ego remains exactly what it was, regardless of physical
changes. take it one step further. if you are compleatly paralysed(
god forbid!), then you might be horrified, shoked hurt etc, but 'you'
will still be 'you'. thus you are not the body.
Now that we have proved (i hope) that we are not our bodys, let us see
how that changes the validity of the proposition. but it changes
If the body is not us, then it is just the medium through which we
interact, experience etc, therefore, any change to the body, will only
distort the communication taking place.
there was an experiment conducted by some behaivoural scientist, he
took a dog who was perpetually angry, always barking and trying to
bite. he then, operated on this dog, and remover some gland, or part
of some gland. then the dog jsut sat there waging his tail. he became
as calm as a buddha. Now what does that prove? does it prove that the
dog was no longer angry, or does it prove that it was no longer able
to express its anger? if i cut of your hand, does it mean that you do
not wish to wave it, or that you no longer can? therefore any hormonal
or otherwise changes can only incapacate you, or rather incapacitate
your ability to interact with the world around you.
thus, if someone introduces a hormone which cause you to love a sofa
with the same ardor as your boyfriend, then does that mean that you
actually do, or that your body is forced to, regardless of what you
feel, you are not the master of your own body then, that is all that
Secondly, we can also refute it practically.
Metaphysics does not often change anything in real life, all it does
is put a new spin on things. So no matter what metaphysics says about
life being unreal, you are forced to live life exactly as if it were.
the only people who do not life life as if it mattered and it was
real, are insane. ergo, as reality is the only viable option, one must
live so. taking a potion which will cause you to fall in love with a
desired person (boy would aranged marriages become popular with the
youn set, parents happy, im happy as well!) would be the same as
taking drugs, they present a distorted image or reality. and affect
your ability to persieve and affect the world.
anyway, enough blathering on about high faluting stuff, now i shall go
and exult over passing (did you have exams as well? how did you do?)
p.s. sry about the spelling, i suck at them
for those who care, and have not yet been told, :
59.10 % of my class failed. I was not one of them.
I got 455/800 which is 56.87%
break up, not that you will even know what i learn by the subject names is
eng=80 Way above average
eco=43 below average
political science=53 average
legal research and methods=44 slightly below average
Law of torts and consumer protection act=66 quite above average
General principles of contract and specific relief act=50 average but am intending to give for revaluation
History=60 above average and way more than i deserved
Fundamentals of Business organisation=59 slightly above average
the comments are taking into account those people who have passes and are in my section, not class.
over all am very happy, and attribute it (lol) to meditation, as my roommates will no doubt do as well, as they saw me sleeping at least 2ce more than they did, and not studying much(by their standards dad, not mine *shame faced laugh*(what the hell are you laughing about Yatin.. you were debarred!!)
19th November 2004
I me myself have been taking part in an online discussion!!! who would have thought!!! :
Am back to loving the flat, as servant form the heavens is back and had cleaned up the flat before i had returned form from college.
have got a water connection, which i have decided never to thing about again. because. 1. the water had never gone, just 3 taps out of 8 had stoped.
2. the plumber charge 350 to fix a dumb pipe, and i agreed just because i wasent paying the bill...
the servant, sadly got a flat mate along with him (my flat mate not his!!!) so now goneis the hevenly solitde... sniff sniff...
the results!!!! from being declared on monday, ther are now being declared on monday.... and yes you do know symbi, it is next week!!!
and the Smuchks are so MEAN that they first said that the results would be declared on thursday.. adn then when we come in the morning, said they will be declared in the eve, and thus get us to atten a dumb worksho on ipr and then they sayt that they will be on friday adn do the asme thing and are aslo going to do it tomorrow... sigh.. why did i choose a college which does this to me!!!
but another fun thing which symbi does is to flunk you. they do that so that then you are forsed to give your papers for reval, after all ijat ka sawal he, and then they make you a topper!!! yes it is true i am not makin it up!!!
and guess the price for reval... 300 rs.. for one paper!!!!
anyway.. b seeing you people... in my daydreams if noty in life
p.s. its not really that bad... some people dont become toppers,... they jsut get in the 60s or seventies.. (ma dad that RULES since you sdont know how many marks one aspires to in college....')
16th November 2004
back,back to what hopefully will be my alma matter....
my life, is a locked door to which i have the wrong key. oh mait, my mistake, that is my flat. sign... its a joke that is what it is. :
soooo.. i come back to pune, wearing, very stupidly, a full sleave shirt and carrying a sweater, and am looked at like a dufas, by half sleave shirt wearers. fun... ha to be laughed at...
next still in high spirits, i come to my flat, and coopt the rickshaw puller into carrying up 2 of my 5 bags(i tell my stupidiy fully when i tell of it) and then having practically dislocated my arm carring the heavy ones (ibid) i arive at my third floor flat. everything sems in order, there is a lock and i have a key. great. but wait, oh wait, you think so to right. my key, the obstinant thing, refuses to oben a lock it is not ment for. damn it.
and there i am stuck on the third floor, in a barly lit hallway, with Five pieces of luggage, and no place to go to. fun i tellyou. now begins the great project of 'empty the cell phone of its money as fast as yuo can" and phone calls clutter the airspace.
my oh so thoughtful roommate had evidently been called by the landlord and told that there was water overflowing int he flat. ergo, the break open and the new lock. but im being bitter, my flat mate had send me a message, to inform me of this. or so he says.
then came a moment of pure hilary. one expect that if one goes to a shop where one has never been, the shop person will not provide a hammer, to one, on being told that one needs to break open a lock... one also, expects wrong. not only is one given the hammer, one is just lightly told to return it whenever one passes by. oh the small town that is pune....
so now i live in the flat, with only two pigions who desperatly try to ape the bad habit of western culture... they try to doit on the beds... spoilt to the core i say, in my day, birds were satisfied with a clothes line, or if a luzurius mood, the ledge over the kitchen counter. evil things.
but when i say alone, i mean more than the usual alone... i am also bereft of what i now realise is my true love. h2o. none. zilch. my flat has no water.... wait that is not really true.. there is one toilet whose flush works.... im very glad it has a built in ass cleaner.. and i dont need to use my hands....
im telling you im living like a millionare, alone in a three bedroom appartment, in which for some reason, is in a building in which not one appartment is occupied. and i am going thereto sleep now,at 11 oclock in the night.
it is at times like these that i wished i prayed.
bye, and if u have any influence, try to tell my heart not to do the wierd jumping jacks it is trying out.
27th September 2004
great dreams, people have. :
dreams of watching processions, and visharjans, and hundreds of ganeshes.
dreams of going from choak (crossroads; used loosely here) to choak and revelently gazing, no hanging my eyes (pardon the chineas) on the epmiral idols, of the Elephant God.
Rude reality, makes a comeback, after a few days. i dont change, witha change in the city, and meaningless moments spent looking at the slightly differentiates statues of the same god, is not for me. sigh. sadness..
and the roads, ....,
and life, without the friendly book store open, or the breakfast eating place....
who needs it.
22nd September 2004
relief...great thing i say. they should make exams just so that they can get over..... and i will be deleating this entry as soon as the next set of exams are around the corner, so dont try and say ha ha then. :
anyway, have been having great fun, not going to movies. up your.... paulo, when u want something the universe conspires not to give it to u. i had two groups of friiends. yes yes gasp gasp old antisocial avi with no friends and many books had two friends, groups of. anyway, so i wander of after the exam with one other. and get a atm card of my own incidently, which is really cool, but anyway, and man i like to use the word anyway, but anyway i go and gallavant around and then a plan is made to go to a movie which i have already seen (dhum, and please dont say anything, i promise i wont say anything when u watch adam sandler movies.) , so i say we will go for another movie in the morning. so we agree to go see the village, and i plan to go see bourne supramacy in the night, with my other friends. then i reach home to find that they are going to GAO!! that bye the way is hindi for VILLAGE!!! arge..... so hear i am, hanging out with make belief people who i for some vagued out reason think populate my lj. anyway, i shall shop doing so, as the utter patheticness of visiting relatives with methai, and then sitting on the internet is , after EXAMS are over. if i had gone to the flat and gotten the sleep that 3days of 5hours of sleep have made me so desperatly need i wouldent have felt so bad. sniff sniff.
will weep tonight, if i can stay awake. long enought tooo..... its so romantic
p.s. the last thing is not a LIE ash, it is just a thing which was said. not a LIE.
and daniel, friend whose elementary cannal leaves much to be desired, it was really great to hear from you. the internet works in mysterious ways, it can bring together people for different continents, but cant bridge the gap between delhi and pune(incensed glare at the computer which fails to pass it on to the intended parties) *sighs again* lifes a waste.
p.p.s seroulsly dan great to hear from u. come come fast fast to delhi, we cna enjoy enjoy
17th September 2004
why am i cursed with friend... seriously, why? :
there are times....
i see other peoples friends, and am impressed. they talk... and make sense. their defination of funny, is not a person squerting when he pees (no yatin, i seriously did not like that movie)and rubing someones ear after he sdoes so.
and peoples friends, can be called to dinner, and if they do not leave the family in splits, at least they are not constantly asking me whether they can watch original sin, as soon as my parents individual backs are turned.
life is unfair. my friends dont even do cool cultural things, and if i even think of a musical program, which does not involve a violent sprain developing in the neck due to infantile head banging.
ah well.... enough about people who use a public fourm to talk about syuff that is ment to be discussed at a night spend, and that tyoo one before a exam or two.... which requires the night to be spent like water, on bc. and before you get ideas, which i am sure that some of you will not, as some of you can be classified as non friends.... wait that came out all wrong, yes you can be classified as non infantile friends.
anyway, enough moaning abotut friends. there are better thibngs to moan about, such as exams!!!!
5 down three to go. and sucha beautiful concept....
allowed to keep term. of course it is worse then school.. where one can fail in a couple of subjects and not have to give them again.
however, it is better than failed.
too beta... exam key results aa gaye?
ha, 2 me atkt lag gaya
atkt? fail ho gaya kya?
nahe nahe... allowed to keep term.
but just think, i might have to do 10 subjects.... instead of the mamoth in themselves 8. in fact, did you know, that one subject that i am doing is also being done by the 3rd years... and they are doing the same syllabus in 2 sems.......
so 3rd years in six monts... ist year in 3months....
anyway... have a cool flat at least, but have discoverd to my horror, that i dont like all my roommates.... see the problem is that they speak in hindi.. not that they cant talk in english, buit the main language spoken is the MOther tongue. now where i can sparkle in my mother tongue..... a damp squib does not begin to describe me in an alien world.. and yes i am asshamed of myself... dont even try.
so teh prob is that, i have nada to talk with them about... except my roommamte,.. he is coool.... and if i get a couple of them alone then they are ok... but one of them... ahhh
anyway.... havinmg fun in pune, first times,,.... stayed up for the whole night..... to STUDY!!! wow i was so surprised.. i fell asleap during the exam.... jocking (ma and dad jocking...)
anyway having given a nice update with no substance or content
i will sign of happy that ic an represent most of your lives to perfection..(no deepa i am not refering to tai chi classes)
30th August 2004
Mass Public Apology
Having been battered and abused, over the internet, feels exackly as if one has been battered and abused. :
Naming no names, there have been one, or two complaints about the spelling ;) in this journal, and specifically the Poems. therefore, i undertake to improve myself. forthwith.
Unfortunatly, this intails rereading them, and corecting them etc, wich all takes TIME. this, a very precious commodity, is sold on ebay for prices i cant afford, therefore, i must sadly, announce the news there are going to be very few poetry thingamugs from now on. My 'long book' will continue to overflow, but since i really dont have the time to correct my spellings and "such disrespect and disdain for the time and effort your readers invest in you is off-putting" i must regretfully stop posting online. however Rishi, there is good news, whenever i have time, i will be posting on the lj, stuff in general, wich i must stress will NOT be spell checked.
now, for those obsesively interested, i will be pointing out the facts wich have caused a drastic cut back, in the purchase of time, from the gods.
1. Money, sent on cybercafes... which can be better used buying doughnyuts in teh colege canteen
2. Exams, wich i have to feel guilty about not studying for. btw how annoying is it to deny yourself fun stuff to do so that you sit in the flat and study. and you end up not studind or doing the fun stuff
3. Flat work. there is a tremendus amount of flat related stuf which we have to do.
4. reading. there is this corner bookstore which i can sit in and read for as long as i want, withiout paying.. and it has cool stuff like Eragon, animorphs, vikram seth, anita desai and other mast mast authors....
5. matargashti with friends... wich is a requisit for mental health
6. college.. which i must attend once in a while
7. food. going out to eat three times a day takes a surprising amount of time, espically when u havent decided a proper place to eat, and you tend to walk all arounf the area to find a place which 5 peole agre to
8. visiting grandparents place, which eats up all of sat and sunday, without any studying time put in, or any productive time, from the standpoint of academic or internet stuff, but which is satisfing supremely
9. visiting relatives, which i am supposto do at least 2 days a week
10. etc etc etc....
therefore and for there, i must and must not be mean, ... to the world???
and so, i take my leave, fromt eh world of online poetry, and will confine myself to unpoetic prose....
yours in pain and love
9th August 2004
aviz85: i love u ilove u ilove.... wait let me check if i have recd any mail :
aviz85: y no update on lj
aviz85: or ans to my m,sgs?
aviz85: AM ANGRY!!! HAVE WAISTED MONEY NO NOTHING!!! THERE IS NO MAIL111111111 IT IS MONDAY! THAT IS IT, NO MORE INSITEFULL MAILS FROM ME TO U
and i mean it too
for crap's sake people do u not realize that i have exams going on??? i have nothing to do!!!!! mental nourishments!!!! or nourishment whichever
anyway.. since a exteamly dramatic sentance poped into my mind, i had to write it, and of course along with it, i had to tack together some content. so here goes.......
A quest for Englightenment, is nothing but a quest for death.
its so dramatic, i shiver every time i read it. anyway, now that i have finished squeeing over the brilance of my subconcious, to the point my friend
earlier, when i discovered that i am not my thoughts, my body or my intellect, but something diferent, i was wrong.
see what i actually discovered was that there was something giving a false feeling of continuity. there was something that gives the mind,the feeling that it exists, the I which the mind thinks it is. i wrongly said that I am this thing which i will for convienence call soul. actually I am the mind.
how/ see the soul gives the mind continuity, but thatever i think i am, i am. no, wwhatever i BELIEVE i am, i am. just because there is something else which is actually animating theis body, and causing these thoughts to flow does not mean that i am that something. i am still these thoughts, at least untill these thoughts can convince themselves that they are not themselves (or the I) but are the soul. you see the insanity in this????
there is no way for the thoughts(which is what i have identifiued myself with, or believe myself to be) to convince themselves that they are not what they are. no way to do this rationally at least. its the same as a insane person thinking that he is a dog, or a bottle, and that if the dog is killed, or the bottle smashed, then he (the insane person) will die. it is just that the soul is invisiable, and presumed to be inside the body...
Now one can say, sure, there is no way for u to identify yourself with the soul, rationally. that is why to need to 'take a leap' of faith and believe. Maybe, but if so, what happens to the thoughts/mind ??? do they continue running? because if they do, then you havent takent he leap after all, and are pretending to yourself that you have. you are in other words insane...
now enlightenment, it seems to me, is to have no thoughts in your head at all, ever. this is death, with the body working. the living dead.
so when ou look for enlightenment you (thoughts/mind) are trying to stop all thought, the mind agenst the mind. death
it is now that i understand the fear some people are said to get when they meditate, some part of their mind knows.... knows that it is suiciding.......
cool... my opening and closing lines are dramatic! yay!
now since i am in the mood of writing, and this keybord is slightly decent, let me post another post. but this one ios too long, therefore i will post anothetr.....
and people, please do not post personal stuff on thois lj, at least about each other... and that is one thing i didnt think i would have to caution you all about, given the derth of comments anyway
yours in haste to post another post
7th August 2004
u r waiting for me to update.. waiting waiting..waiting... nah hypnotism dosent work
life is really enjoying scaring the bejesus out of me...... :
it made a trial run.....
i got up in the morning with my usual enthusasm, and flip floped my slippers(the ones marrowed from 5star hotels) to the bathroom,.... yawned.. sat in bed trying to think about life, love and liberty (this line incerted in the hopes that someone will wonder why the hell i would do that and will email me to find out) when i realised that my shirt, the dreded uniform shirt was not ironed. Now normally i would just not give a damn, or if i gave a damn, would wear another shirt, one which was just stained... but the excuise i have is that i was thinking about life, love and liberty... and this tends to confuse me....
so anyway, having pho phoed mama and nanas suggestion to take a iron from ghoravadi, i was left with no choice. i went to steal my neighbours iron.
the problem with this choice of action, was that one neighbour had already allowed me to use his, and the other did not have one. so reconsidering, i went to the first neighbours outhouse, which by the way is a grand name for a brick room with a bathroom attached, and knocked at his door.
now another fact beat its way (with great beats) to my conciousness, namely it was 06 hundred 'o clock (who says i have to be gramatically correct) and that it was not very neighbourly to wake up someone who u needed to get something from.....
with great effort, i managed to ignore this annoying buzzing fact, and proceded to yell my neighbours name, as if the ironing of my shirt depended on it.
Now u all must be wondering why i persist in calling my neighbour my neighbour, and that too while spelling it corerectly, instead of callin him by his Proper Name namely Jaiveer, which i can spell however the damn hell i want to and not be challenged. well its because i just rememberd an epposode of blossom, where someone tells joey that if he uses a word thrise it becomes his. i thought that very funney, and so in hopes you too will appreaciate my efforts to conker (the one where u win a victory) the english tongue i grapple with neighbours.
now that my digression is past let me regress.....
so lustily calling my neighbours name i beat upon the metal bars of the solitary window of the Outhouse. he being from chandigad has a blend of characteristics of delhi and punjab. so after the delhi side of his charactwer is exausted (read a B word(s) used several times is quick succesion, followed by another array of the M word(s), am politly not mentioning the ch word. which is sandwitched between the two) the fabled punjabi hospitality comes to the fore front and he gets up pushed the iron throught the bars of the window... and goes back to sleep...
i happly singing a song, ducking the verbal abuse and come concreat rubble.... i spin around and head back to my flat... whereapon another fact (sheesh.. the world seems full of them these days, dosent it) slides in, riding on a tusunami.
when i casually and with no thought for the consequences flicked the switch for the geasor on and off , and thus blew out the fuse i dug a hole in my own coffin... nice phrase, and nice language english.. dug a hole in my coffin.... lol
anyway... so there i was in a bunyan 5star quality slippers with a press in my hand and a shirt flap flap flapping in the wind. with no way of creating a difference in voltage.. i.e. current.
so i run, in 5star slippers as i keep reminding you, back, back to the Outhouse.
but sadly as it seems,all sides of my neighbours personality have been exausted and he is nothing but a corps, which grunts when i yell at it.... however beieving in the virtues of sound theory, i am trying to "sing" under my brothers tutialge. this forces my neighbours room partner to wake up, glance balefully aroung, unlock the door, and disappear under volumnus blankets.. yes delhi ites evny the cool whether we punekars enjoy with every inhalation of smoke, when we walk no the roads.
now at this point if i bring is an english class you will all probanly get as confused as if you were thinking about life and love... lets leave liberty until later.
however trust in the powers that be (shut up angel u cant challenge them to a duel) and rely on the fact that whatever you have read is not in vain, and i am not going to go hairing of in the direcion of school/college or a discorse on the general unfairness of a UNIFORM.
so in english class, we were told about various types of paragraphs, narrative, pursuasive, descriptive, and so on. on of these types is known as Descriptive. as mentioned above (and this for once literally means above, if when u first read the word above, u looked up, you would have found it) and as luck, or life as it is aka, would have it, i was able to volenter to compose a passage of the type mentioned above (yopu cant have it every time) on the theme of 'A Frightning Event'
grasping the opportunity with bother hands i spoke, and allowing for distorions occuring due to time this is what i said, when i picked up from where is left you, and the english class.
i removed the wrinkels from my shirt, barring a few which continued to mock me. then after i pulled the plug of the iron out of the socket, i started wering the shirt. the room was absolutely silent, only the faint wisperings of two somnolent entities pulling subsistance into their lungs from the air disturbed the quiet. then as i looked into the blue framed mirror, my reflection looked back at me and smilled. there was nothing frightning about this as i was also smiling, as i frequently do, when i see a handsome devilishly dashing man(shut uo with the lols)
then as my hands went to tuck int eh shirt, i froze. the hair on my hands stood up, an electric current went up my spine. as i looked into the wide eyes of my reflection, i noticed it again. the images chest was rising and falling! breaking eye contact, i looked down at myself. though my heart was yelling wildly at me to let it out, there was no visiable movement.
i looked up again, the image stared back, and it was panting. my feet were refusing to obay me, and my thoughts had gone beserke, and were repeating the monster , the monster again and again, presumably remembering the story i had told my friends last night of the monster int eh mirrorr, which is enshrined in gerald durrels the picknic and such like pantomine.
i stared, and the wide eyes of my reflection stared back.... panting, panting panting.
it was the blue frmae that saved me. i noticed it moving, my knees gave way, and i found myself staring at the fan... the fan which was causing the mirror to move up and down... causing my reflection to look as if it was panting.....
life... and all the mirrors in it.....
anyway that was the dress rehersal... the really frightning story will have to wail for a more opportune momebt.. read when my granmom isnt yerning for her grandson to visit, yerning, yerning, yerning......
p.s whatever has been mentioned in this account. does not take the responsibility of being truthfull....
p.p.s comment... comment... comment... comment...comment.......
(one last shot)
p.p.s could you count the word that are mine now.... but dont use them.. i DO NOT give you permission to use them
p.p.p.s since this is the first mail in which i have tried to be funney you could drop me a line and tell me if ive succeded(hopes no one notices that he is desperate for a comment... actually hopes they will and then maikl him...).....